bounce back.........

As I'm sitting at the hotel in Miami passing time until I take a cab to the airport I realize that now is as good a time as any to reflect upon my performance from this weekend. To sum up my thoughts in one sentence would not be possible as I am filled with a variety of feelings about my lackluster performance yesterday. Before I begin on my tyraid of a pity party let me first begin by thanking the University of Miami Coaching staff especially Amy for allowing me to compete at their meet this weekend. I am thankful for college coaches who understand that even the little meets are essential for post collegiate athletes to compete in to create a full competitive schedule. Also I am thankful for Derek's boss Dennis Shaver for allowing me to tag along with the LSU team and share a room with Derek. What could have been a VERY costly trip did not hurt our wallets so much having to not pay for a hotel room for three nights, so THANKS COACH! (PS, I enjoyed the team trip to the beach this morning too!). Lastly, thanks to my Bosses Elvis Cavalier and Alicia Franklin for the support and understanding to take multiple days off from work to pursue my dream.

My marks from this weekend were not acceptable by any means with the 4k hammer. I am in no way happy nor content with a best meet mark of 61.70m and frankly, feel a bit embarrassed. As my competitors are posting respectable marks, here I am STRUGGLING to throw 202 feet. Its not that I didn't try, or didn't want to be at the meet... I felt like my attitude and mindset was all in the correct place. I even came off of a good week of throws. So what the F***!! I just couldn't find that "bigger" throw yesterday. Although I won by 13 feet it is still not an excuse for me to shut down like I did. I need to find a way to get a big mark even when the steaks are not high for a meet.

Technically I feel that I have made leaps and bounds in the past two weeks to progress towards marking a new personal best. However, yesterday I was decelerating again for my fourth turn and into delivery. TOTALLY NOT LIKE PRACTICE! I was ready to hit something bigger than 61.70m. When I am hitting marks in practice with 10lb, 4k, and 3.5k hammers that I haven't seen since 2007, how can a meet mark from the SAME WEEK be so poor? FRUSTRATING AS HELL! I was popping up out of the throw so that in my fourth turn my catch foot was hanging in the air rather than quickly reaching the ground for my delivery. If you are familiar with the hammer you are aware that your last turn has to be your fastest. If you have any deceleration of the hammer during your last turn into delivery it significantly reduces the distance of a throw. SOOOOO... when I can fix that competitive error I'll be posting marks that I can once again brag about.

Among all the feelings of disappointment and/or frustration after I have after a poor distance performance I feel humbled. I am quickly reminded of how HARD I have to work to accomplish anything big. I know in my heart I have been training harder than I ever have and have to trust that my throw will be found.... eventually. My weight room training is far superior than anything I have ever done, my drills are coming around and my level of fitness is above anything that Kristal Yush or even Kristal Kostiew (Wow.. that was really weird to write) has ever been at. Even my practice throws have begun to come around. Derek reminds me of where I have come from.... he often reminds me to appreciate the high aspirations of a girl who once was happy with a 151' hammer mark. I also have to be reminded that it took me THREE years AFTER college to BEGIN being competitive with the best in the USA, something that I have now begun to EXPECT of myself. Derek helps to ground come to realize that my goals and expectations are often higher than they should be considering the dramatic change we have made in my technique. But really, 202 feet?!?!? I'm in no way happy nor satisfied with that mark.

When Derek and I decided to make the change from a toe and three to a four heel technique it was understood that any major change within a throw would take time before yielding the results I am looking for. I understand that. But It is hard for me to ACCEPT. I am the type of person who expects greatness of myself at all times. Last year really helped me to feel humbled and sometimes embarrassed with my performances and knew I had to make a change to continue pursuing my dream. After my accident in March 2008 I had developed some very bad habits within my throw and we just needed a different approach to the throw to avoid the technical flaws that seemed to continuously arise week after week. Mentally I didn't trust the throw anymore and needed to make a change and start fresh mentally and physically. My first couple of weeks training four heels was scary at best, but now, feeling some of the positions that I do (although sparatically) I KNOW there is a big throw somewhere there. Derek tells me I have to trust it. I am trying. Days like yesterday have to be approached as a learning experience, even if it is a hard thing to do. Its difficult to swallow the feelings of disappointment in my performance, because I KNOW that I am capable of so much more. But I have to find a way to get past this feeling. Yesterday was just a meet. I will have more. Its time to bounce back and re-focus for next week.

I have become no stranger to disappointment or frustration regarding my athletic endevors. However what I can say that I will inevitably be able to bounce back, no matter what. This morning the LSU team took a 1.5 hour drip to the beach... my solution to bounce back this time was to hit some sprints in the sand. This little bit of exercise kind of helps to flush out and purge myself of the harsh feelings of disappointment, and get my mind ready to start fresh again on Monday. I'm not gonna' lie, the beach trip, although short in duration, was enjoyable in many other ways too. It was nice to swim for a bit with Derek, watch some of his boys make a fool of the local lifeguards and enjoy some sun!

On a more positive note it is trips like this that I am thrilled to take. My hammer throwing travels have brought me to more places in the USA and the world than I ever could have imagined as a little girl growing up in NH. It's pretty cool to be able to say that I have traveled to places like Miami and gotten to eat the food, interact with a cab driver named Carlos from Cuba, listened to conversations in languages I can't understand, ENJOY THE BEACH, and marvel at the archetecture and art decco that this city is famous for. Although at times performances will disappoint me, it is important to sit back, relax and enjoy the places my throwing has brought me to.